Kismet's Guide Sex & Romance in Fantasy Gaming

"Commission" by Nikulina-Helena (resized) is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 3.0

An Introduction

From the legends of King Arthur to the tales of today, sex and romance have made regular appearances in our storytelling. We may disagree over how they're shown, but sex and love are woven through all kinds of stories because they're compelling. Desires for intimacy and pleasure move us, emotionally and physically. Love and lust drive us to do things, sometimes unexpected and reckless things. They take us on adventures great and small and can lead us to victory or ruin. Just ask Guinevere and Lancelot.

What this means for your roleplaying games is up to you and your group. Some play for decades without bawdy banter or romantic storylines. Others, like myself, have never gamed without these themes. Many fall between these extremes, and plenty are curious about how to make sex and romance work at their tables.

As long as your group is ready and willing to give it a try, even small romantic details can be powerful instead of embarrassing, graphic, or juvenile. Sex doesn't have to be ridiculous or take over - with some thought, it can open up new avenues of interaction and create hilarity. How, you might ask? Just keep reading, and take what you can use from this guide one step at a time.

About Hilarity

Sex, like death, seems to invite jokes and laughter, even when it's inappropriate. (Sometimes especially when it's inappropriate.) Not only is this natural, but it's also completely understandable. There's enough emotional and cultural baggage about sex to keep us laughing for the rest of our lives - and let's face it, the act itself can be pretty damn funny.

So don't feel discouraged if there's some laughter at your table when romance comes up. Chances are, you're still playing with mature, upstanding people - they just couldn't help but chuckle. And don't feel like you have to maintain seriousness at all times. As long as they aren't mean-spirited and the group is having fun, let some jokes pass. Then move on with the scene because love and lust are too powerful to leave as punchlines.

Sex in D&D

Roleplaying games are made for children as well as adults so TTRPG companies usually avoid sexual content, but there have always been a few references in Dungeons and Dragons products. The first edition Dungeon Master's Guide had a random harlot table (which had its own issues). Every now and then, mating habits and gestation were discussed for different species. Alluring artwork appeared throughout later editions, and birth control methods were listed in the 3rd edition Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting.

Players tried to fill the void with house rules for decades and eventually shared them online. They were often met with laughter and ridicule, but the desire for details remained. Then, at the end of 2003, not just one but two books were released in print about sex in tabletop games: Naughty and Dice, a systemless manual for fantasy games, and The Book of Erotic Fantasy, a manual of sex-based rules for d20 games. It quickly lost the d20 license and drew a lot of criticism (both deserved and undeserved), but what it represented was more important than the finished product.

In more recent years, crowdfunded books like the Book of Passion have emerged, but the hunger for more continues. It's a perennial topic of debate online because so many tastes and fears are at work. People have different hopes and boundaries and may not know how to start conversations about what they want most. As in real life, the first step is both the simplest and the most difficult.

Communicate & Listen

Gaming, like sex, is best when all parties agree on the terms and are comfortable. Safety tools of various kinds have been developed to aid this process in TTRPGs and cover more than sexual and romantic concerns. They help everyone express their boundaries and offer guidance on what to do if ~~sticky~~ uncomfortable situations arise during play.

You can also ask for a session 0 or talk before or after a session. Generally, a frank discussion about things you'd like to add to a game should be welcome, but mature themes can be difficult to speak about, especially in front of people you don't know well. It can help to let others know you wish to talk about such things beforehand and offer a digital way to contribute, like private messages. Feel free to choose the methods that work best for you and your group.

A special note must be made about games that take place with or around minors. It can be easy for adults to forget themselves when interacting with other adults, even if young people are around. Whether they directly participate or simply overhear play, however, minors and their parents deserve respect. Sexual themes should be avoided, and it's probably wise to avoid detailed romantic interactions, even between NPCs. When in doubt, ask parents if something is okay before introducing it and respect their wishes.

If a discussion about mature themes isn't allowed at all or goes sour in some way, your current group may not be the best one to experiment with. If jokes and other issues derail play whenever sexual or romantic situations arise, then one or more people aren't ready to give these themes a serious try. You may need to find or form another group to get the kind of experience you want, and that's okay. In gaming and in dating, we all have our preferences and finding the right people can make all the difference.